Had a Purim party at (work? the office?) the army today. Rather fun.
It was the elementary-school kind of party. Everyone in costumes (of course), and every group going through all sorts of “stations” and getting points for each. One where we all had to throw little basketballs into hoops, one where we had to toss water-balloons around, one where we had to play Charades (my personal favorite) and that sort of thing. Judges at all stations, points given for morale and loudness and general good cheer.And there I was, always at the front line. Ringing the little bell around my neck (we’ll get to that in a moment), shouting and cheering and MOOOing my lungs out (I said, we’ll GET to that in a moment!) and always pushing and laughing and being, not socially ACTIVE person, but being a social LEADER. Nudging people when they don’t feel like playing along, and making a fool of myself, and everything. So now I sit and thing, and . Not “blink”, which is basically what your eyelids do, but , which is my way of saying (in a cartoonish sort of way) “What the hell is going on?”.

Ever since I can remember myself (That’s a lie, but we’ll get to that, too, in a second.) I’ve been a quiet, introverted person. Sitting quietly at my desk at school, not making a fuss. Reading quietly and listening to music, staying home on weekends, at most watching a movie with childhood friends. Quiet person.
Things have been changing, it seems. I remember a time, about two years ago. I was sitting in my room, and I was restless. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t read anything for sheer jumpiness, the computer bored me, and I had nothing I wanted to listen to. I ended up rearranging my room top to bottom, moving the bed and bookshelves and all.
All because I was bored to be by myself. Was THAT me?
Now things have progressed further. The costumes we had at work today were of a theme – we all went as cows (Here we are. Sorry to keep you waiting). Mad cows, holy cows, paranoid cows, the works. Naturally, not everyone played along – there are always the ones too self-conscious, too stuffy or too uncomfortable for this kind of silliness. The funny thing is, I don’t fit into any of those categories. I’m not self-conscious, at least not when I feel I’m in my element – at work, or among my friends. I can let myself be as silly and childish as I want, and yell MOO at passer-by’s and get splashed by water-balloons and volunteer for any demonstration. My commander passed by my office
on his way home to say goodbye for a week (he’s going on a trip to Europe), and said he enjoyed the day’s activities, and especially my presence.

It’s a very refreshing feeling, to have one of the things with which I’ve been most uncomfortable about myself – my lack of self-confidence and assertiveness – slowly melting away in the past year or two. A lot of it is due to my losing a lot of weight in the past year. A lot of it is due to my having a girlfriend and being in love in the past 9 months. Whatever the reason, I have definitely changed.
12 years ago, I came back from Canada. Came back to the same school, same class I left behind. Years later, I found out that many parents of kids in my class were apprehensive about my return. It seems that way back, in the 3rd grade, I was something of a social leader and they were afraid my coming back might disrupt the delicate balance of power among the hyper-active over-developed highly-intelligent 12 years-olds.
I didn’t, of course. I was quiet, reclusive, shy and fearful, as only a child who came back after two formative years spent in an unfriendly environment and feeling like a complete outsider can. (Remember the second promise I made to elaborate on something? That was that).
So here I am, sitting and reflecting on my life, and suddenly I realize that they actually might have been on to something, those over-protective mothers and fathers of today’s new yuppie-equivalents that were my class.

And I rather like that.